'Because I said so' no longer has the power that it had back in my parents day. My eight and a half year old assumes she has the same allotted authority as her mama and papa. Why should she be treated any differently? The fact that we work to earn the money and pay the bills that clothe, feed, and provide shelter for her has little significance. She has "Kid Power".
I went through a stage where I would try to reason with her when she was about four or five years old. Using logic on a child that age is like trying to train a cat. It just doesn't work. So, I began to use the phrases that long ago were used on my siblings and me. "Because I said so." "Because I'm the parent." "Because that's just the way it is." I knew these sayings were powerful and that they were the final word.
When used on my daughter they are as weighty as a feather. Her expression always conveys, "And I should care because...?"
I have yet to convince her that this parent/child relationship is not based on democratic values. It is a monarchy. When she has matured and taken on more responsibilities in life, then we'll consider making it a democracy. Right now, her father and I know what is best for her (so we hope and pray).
I cannot for the life of me figure out why she does not accept this at face value as I did at her age. I am consistent with my parenting skills, I follow through, I use a firm voice, I give consequences to fit the situation. But somewhere along the way the roles have become blurred to her. Seriously, it never occurred to me that she would doubt our word.
"What?! You don't believe me?! Just ask your Babushka and Grandpapa. They'll tell you it's just the way it is!"
I know parents who have stooped to using bribery, or tried negotiating, or have just given in! Nay, I say! I will continue to fight the neverending battle, even if it means more gray hair, an extra glass of wine at the end of the day, spending more time sending someone to her bedroom to think about things (I'm speaking about myself here).
And as I say to her, "Do you understand, Missy?" and she responds, "Whatever." I know that somehow, some way, progress is being made...somewhere else.
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2 comments:
That portrait of you says it all. You are one colorful broad and your blog, like you, rocks in every way! I certainly can relate to your first post - I, too, as you know, have an uppity young princess in the house. How lucky that girl is to have you for a mama! You're a good read, sistah, and I thank my lucky stars that you're in the hood. Carry on, songbird, carry on!
You know, when I was a child I used to hate it when my parents used "because I said so" as a reason. But now I totally understand that this is necessary at times. Children don't always have the maturity to understand rational explanations, so you might as well save your breath. And when they grow up, chances are they will STILL have a boss who may make decisions they don't like. So they should just get over it.
Some day she'll appreciate all your hard work and sacrifice. But probably not until she has kids of her own. Sigh.
xoxoxo,
Babs
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